Today is Mother’s Day! 😔
I promised myself that today I would live and function as normal being. Part of me wants to turn over get under my covers and cry–because of the sadness that the day brings to me. The other side of me wants to see the blessing of the surrogates God has given me and celebrate them, despite the sadness that I feel.
My mother is alive. She lives about 5 miles Southwest of my home. I have seen her once in 2018 and she ignored me. I reached to embrace her and said, “Hello, Mom!” She turned away. I ran after seeking her embrace like any 3 year, or even 33 year old year old woman would do. I wept sorely. Of course, this happened in my church–my home church–like many other painful memories. I’d hope people would understand that there are times when Rev. Butler simply needs to be Resse and sit to the side and just be.
This song, “Sometimes I feel like a motherless child” a negro spiritual speaks of the many children who were systematically torn away from parent as a means of terror and control. As a motherless child, who knows her mother and has had an off and on complex relationship with her, I often feel lost and alone. She is within arms reach, but always evades my love. She is a phone call away, but the unpredictable, less than savory response is anxiety producing and often hurtful.
For years, I internalized this and it manifested in how my body felt and how I felt about myself. I think I had lots of self-hate, low self-esteem and insecurity because I was not accepted by my mother. The more I looked like her, I had this loathing of myself. It was often very hard to look in the mirror. Rejecting the idea of her as a means of protecting my heart, meant rejecting myself. There is no easy answer. So I do not know what this post says in short…
It’s about grieving a living mother
It’s about feeling like a motherless child for 20 years
It’s about ever-present hope for today and tomorrow, yet the reality of my experience.
It is, in fact, about my being grateful for the MANY women who loved me despite my resistance…
I am okay! Actually, I am healthy, well and STRONG through it all! I, however, needed to acknowledge and release my feelings in order to overcome them, thus, this posting.
Be Gentle with ourselves, O motherless children. Find ways to embrace ourselves. Find ways to heal. Find ways to welcome “motherly love” in the myriad of ways that God smiles upon God’s children!
In closing, Rev. Belin would always remind me of a scripture Matthew 12:46-50. I pray that any motherless daughters find strength and comfort in it!
46 While he was still speaking to the crowds, his mother and his brothers were standing outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, “Look, your mother and your brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”48 But to the one who had told him this, Jesus replied, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” 49 And pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”